The Saddest Thing I Own

How do you own another person?

— D/s girl    Friday May 12, 2006    #

First, tell her you are there for her no what matter. Silence hurts when you are depressed. Tell her that you care about her. Tell her positive things about her. Hug her, hold her hand, let her cry on your shoulder. These are small things, but they mean alot to a depressed person—Iknow personally. Help her seek help—medications, consueling, calling a local help line, support groups, or going to church. Assure her she is not crazy/nuts, that she is NOT alone. My husband tells me I am a good person and I do not deserve to be down on myself. He tells me he cares, and understands. He holds me, and lets me cry, until Ifeel like talking about things. Get her to talk. Just remember being there for her is the most important thing, and though it can get repetitive—tell her that you care, she is not alone. Good luck!

— Noran    Friday May 12, 2006    #

As someone who’s had some pretty low times, I’d like to say that there is nothing that you can do for her, except be there and support her. And if she is not getting any help, you may need to insist that she does.

Good luck, and take care…

— Michael    Friday May 12, 2006    #

but you hold her and she is not alone. strength and respect

— laurajeanne    Saturday May 13, 2006    #

dispair is so corossive… don’t share this website with her. it is very sad too

— grandpa    Sunday May 14, 2006    #

Did she cry as much before she was your girlfriend? Your use of the word “own,” regarding her, makes me wonder about the relationship. Isn’t an owner someone who controls the “thing” s/he owns? At least, that’s our assumption about ownership. Sometimes the things we own seem to control us. Maybe your “ownership” of her makes her feel powerless and unhappy? Or maybe her feelings of unhappiness are her way of owning you?

— Terry    Monday May 15, 2006    #

Get her to therapy. Don’t wait. I’ve seen amazing results. If you’re in the US, it’s probably covered by your insurance.

— been through it    Sunday May 21, 2006    #

I’m someone who suffers from pretty bad depression too and I’m letting you know that your girlfriend is so lucky that you are even concerned and seeking help online for her well being. My boyfriend cold-heartedly dumped me for being depressed and gave up on me because he couldn’t handle my irritablity and insecurities. He keeps reflecting on the bad times of our relationship but refuses to realize that I was obviously struggling through major depression at the time and refuses to understand me. I discovered that I acted that way with him because when your depressed, you only dwell on the negative and you feel so alone as if no one can understand you. Trust me, don’t give up on her and continue to let her know that your there if you love her because someone who is depressed cannot handle the pain of rejection from someone they love. She’ll eventually overcome it with your love and support because what most people don’t realize is that depression is a disease that needs to be stabilized with help such as therapy and deep support from the ones that person cares about. I wish the best for you :)

— Tiffany    Thursday June 1, 2006    #

All you have to do is hold her and love her. Knowing that she isn’t alone will make her feel better in some way, even if you can’t see it. I know, because I am the very same girlfriend to somebody else.

— Jenna    Friday July 14, 2006    #

I am lost. My GF is in therapy, she had an eating disorder and gets severely depressed and has tried to commit suicide twice this year, (I found her and stopped her) through it all I am here for her, I tell her all the right things, she has no hope and get be happy in her own mind. I have gone through tension headaches and feeling so ill that I can barley function because of how she gets. I know if I leave her she will kill herself. I love her more then my own life but I don’t know if I can continue. My spirit seems to be leaving me I am not the same person I use to be. I want to help her but I am lost. I am lost, she is on meds, therapy, loving family, me and nothing seems to work, any suggestions?

Lost in love.

— Micahael    Friday December 22, 2006    #

I am with you. My situation is very similar to yours. My girlfriend suffers from very strong insecurities due to past family trauma and her ex-husband. She seems to think the world is against her, she misinterprets the actions of others as hostile, she has serious bouts of extreme paranoia, panic attacks and she focuses only on the negative and what is lacking. I’m always trying to tell her to be positive and that things are what you want them to be. I try to be the example as much as possible. But that only seems to work temporarily…

I truly believe that when a person thinks that way, they draw negative events into their lives. There is no “luck” it’s about what’s in your mind and heart and also karma. It seems like every other day there is some major disastrous event in her life though. It’s uncanny how often bad things seem to happen. Today she called me crying, she lost a portion of her rent money, money I gave her to pay the rent in the first place. Yesterday she got pulled over by a cop, she hasn’t had insurance on her car in 7 months…. The day before that she was crying because some girl at work made fun of her makeup. 5 days ago her dog escaped and it took 4 hours for me to find and retrieve him, she completely lost it that night. She’s been fighting with her mom a lot over things that seem somewhat petty to me. It’s one thing after another though. Emotionally I feel tired and unable to be supportive sometimes. I’m worn thin, the constant crying is wearisome. I just want to get away and not have to deal with the doom & gloom, just for a little while. But doing that makes me feel guilty. I’m trying my best to stick with her through it. Seeing that I am not the only one in this situation helps a great deal. I feel inspired to keep working at our relationship. Thanks to all who were willing to share such private matters openly. I hope she can learn to deal with her issues over time. I hope I can last as long as that takes.

— Esoteryk    Tuesday June 5, 2007    #

I can totally understand how you feel. I have a girlfriend similar and my mum (widowed almost two years). I try to stay positive even when things seem grey, by looking ahead and having a purpose a plan. Sometimes the people you love and worry so much about can be your worst pain. You try so hard and you feel almost like your cracking up. (well I have done)
My advise to you, is if you feel you need to get away. Do it just take an evening or arrange a day out with some friends. Change the scenery, give them time to think of the effect they maybe having on you emotionally. You are allowed to feel happy even when others feel sad.

— ralf    Wednesday June 27, 2007    #

My boyfriend dumped me out of the blue two weeks ago today. He said he no longer loved me and had been seeing someone else. He even told me her name! We had been having troubles but he kept assuring me everything was ok now and that he loved me and wanted a future with me. I gave him plenty of opportunites to tell me how he felt but he left it and ended up breaking my heart. The words hurt the most: I suffer from depression and he said he needed a girl who didn’t have hang-ups and enjoyed life, that he could talk to this other girl in a way he couldn’t to me, that he didn’t love me. He said he just didn’t want a relationship but is now dating her. In one night he went from fawning over me to dumping me. Please help me. I feel lied to and broken.

— little anna    Saturday August 4, 2007    #

I’ve been with her 3 years… her depression has gotten worse since we moved in together about a year ago. I love her so much. Her biggest is is fear of abandonment, which leads to relationship issues. I “trigger” her panic attacks (if she interprets something wrong way, or gets angry over some minute thing), and since we’ve been together, she’s begun self harm (more so since living together, several times in last year). I love her so much, and would do anything for her… but feel trapped sometimes. When she is “herself”, things are great… recently I’ve worried so much I could feel it in pit of my stomach.

In a panic attack the other night, she begged me to get her help to be happy… but while doing this she is worried I’m leaving her because of the stress. Part of me wonders if she is (intentionally or not) guilt tripping me.

— Hopeful & Sad Boyfriend    Thursday August 9, 2007    #

My G/F and I have been together 3 1/2 yrs. We started off great like normal, moved in together after 6 months. We are a gay couple which really has nothing to do with anything but just wanted to show that it’s nothing to do with boy/girl relationships only. She suffers from depression/anxiety and possibly bi-polar. She has been off and on meds but nothing seems to work. She cheated on me after 2 years (habit with her). The ladies used to give her a false sense of accomplishment and that “high” or “good feel” that comes with the chase and the new relationship. This was her drug/medicine to make her feel better. But for the first time, I guess she was really in love and confessed and I forgave. Sometimes I get really angry because I feel like “THEY” (sufferrers) use their depression as a crutch or an excuse. They can get away with treating people irrational and shitty and act however they want no matter who’s feelings get hurt because they always have a fall guy (the depression).
I do love her…. so much and that’s why it is so painful to listen to her talk about how worthless she is, how I deserve better, how everyone has always left her, how she is a loser. It actually makes me angry. Mainly cuz it’s been going on for so long I believe that she doesn’t want to be cured because then the focus would be off of her. There are good days and bad and I want to be supportive and I AM but there are days that I just want to scream or days I feel like Im going to go crazy myself cuz the actions and hurtful words on the bad days are just insane. The jealousy, the self loathing, the acusations, the paranoid feelings and insecurity. I have been so patient, I’ve been to counseling with her, I’ve been a shoulder to cry on. I’ve withstood the emotional and yes, at times physical abuse, I’ve supported her emotionally and finacially, I’ve been left, cheated on, used as a verbal punching bag and through it all I come out smiling and loving and forgiving. My QUESTION IS…. IS THERE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL? How long am I expected to be patient, loving and understanding? How long do I put up with this behavior? The suicide attempts alone are enough to kill me too. HELP! Is anyone out there going thru what I’m going thru? She thinks she’s alone…. What about me! I’m so tired of being the strong one, the one who fixes everything, the caretaker. TAG YOUR IT!

— Light at the end of the tunnell??    Wednesday August 29, 2007    #

Light, I know exactly what you’re feeling. There is a part of me that wants to cut loose and go my own way, but I’ve never been a quitter, and I do love her. Right now things are on an ‘up’ (really just even), but I keep thinking when things are going to crash. Everything is always about her, and she realizes it, yet somehow uses it as why I should feel bad for her…

— Hopeful & Sad Boyfriend    Friday September 7, 2007    #

hold her, love her, kiss her and never leave her. be loyal forever.

— fahim    Thursday September 13, 2007    #

I’m in the same boat. She’s been through an eating disorder and in a lot of ways, it’s still with her. I know it will always be there and i’m ok with that since the worst of it is behind her. She cries, hates herself, feels guitly for me being “too good” to her, etc. Almost all the time we spend together seems to focus on trying to improve her mood.

A couple of facts/tips for everyone out there:
1) depression and anxiety are diseases and should be treated as such (help is required)
2) ignore the stigma of mental health issues. bringing feelings of shame only makes things worse
3) you can’t fix things and it’s not your responsibility. being in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression is completely draining. in a lot of ways it seems like the entire relationship has lost its focus but it’s not your job to put it back together
4) don’t be a caretaker. putting yourself in that situation only establishes negative roles for the relationship
5) support and pity are two different things. it’s ok to get mad and it’s ok to be happy
6) interaction vs reaction. when you spend time together, don’t react to everything they do. assume things are ok when you start a conversation and don’t create a foundation of “are you ok?” for all of your interactions

ok, so maybe these were more just reminders for myself but know that you’re not alone. being with a sufferer is a hard relationship to be in but remember: they’re not your responsibility. You have to be willing to show yourself the same love and appreciation that you’re showing them. Take a stand for yourself

— Tip of the iceberg?    Sunday September 16, 2007    #

i have a girlfriend that i have been dating for the last 1 month and 17 days I really love but uncertain about her. She is nice today and in the worst condition tomorrow. I have to bear on my shoulders and the men in her past relationship that done her bad. Sometime it's hard and sometimes i just want to give up. i am very confused.

— steven    Monday September 17, 2007    #

I met my girlfriend my freshmen year in college. She was one of the first people i met when i got there. Soon enough we got together and i feel like it’s a match made in heaven. She’s smart, extremely talented, amazingly gorgeous even when she thinks she doesn’t look her best. Modest but confident, and a goof ball like me. She has this sweet voice, that never sounds bad even when she’s sick or angry and the best part is that she always looks out for me like a nurturing mother. I’m in love with her and i know she feels the same about me. Her only flaw, is that she suffers from depression. There are times when we feel like nothing can bring us down but out of the blue she gets hit with sadness and she begins to doubt everything and talks about not being meant for this world. I have read every tag posted on this page and started to cry. It’s true. it’s what i said as more tears keep falling from my eyes. I have felt everything that has been posted one way or another and contemplated whether it was worth staying more than once. I don’t want to lose her, i have once before and felt like i had made the stupidest mistake of my life. I decided to look for help after our incident tonight and I’m glad i did. I pray that after reading this i can help her along with saving my uncles marriage.

I thank you all and ask the readers to spread the word if you know someone who is even possibly in the same boat as us.
— Aiden    Sunday September 23, 2007    #

my gf is severly depressed plz help she has tried to kill herself twice and her parents wont help

— help me    Tuesday September 25, 2007    #

hello i have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half, the 1st 6 months were amazing and we enjoyed each others company. she then went on a failed trip to the usa where she was to gain her independance (being spoilt) since then she has been depressed. i have tried to deal with it for nearly a year and she has been on medication now for 6 months. i am on the edge of giving up. what can i do?? i just have no desire to be hurt or try anymore?? please help me!!!

i love this girl to bits but can not cope.

— jc    Monday October 1, 2007    #

I meet my girl friend from a friend which I know. After I meet my girl friend I’ve been really happy and it going to be six months but as of now I feel more depressed worried I love her from inside and I told her everything and sometimes I feel like she is going to leave me. Mygirl freind always calls me morning day night when ever she can she cares a lot for me, I spent a lot of times with her and I was happy. sometimes I can’t sleep thinking that what she is doing in school. I worry too much but I just don’t want to be hurt I don’t know why I act like this i feel scared when I’m with her I feel very happy when she is gone I feel depressed. My girl friends parents knows about me because she told her and she did a lot for me, but I can’t seem to find out what is wrong with me why do I act like this I started to smoke more like a pack a day but I just feel scared sometimes I don’;t know what is going on in school she does’t have her phone because her parents took it after my girl friend told about me but her parents were ok and her father said let him finish college. Sometimes I curse at my self I have everything a car, great job, excellent education but just can’t to get happiness I don’t know why I’m a very nice guy I always stay home alone I sit OR When I feel depressed I go out side to smoke I don’t know why but I feel that way, I just want to be hurt it hurts inside I feel it a lot I cry sometimes and I’m 21 years of age I wish I knew what was going on all night I stay awake since I have off from work but I think negative towards me girl friend most of the times sometimes I go front of her school to see what she is doing but her parents picks up her from now on and her friend who introduced me to he said don’t worry she has a boy friend and sometimes I can’t understand my self I guess this they way I’ll react. One suggestion just be careful who do you fall in love with please it will hurt you a lot trust me I know because I woke up with pain and am dealing with pain I am doing a lot for my girl friend and I just need her I know she loves me trusts me but I feel scared most of the times. It really hard to explain but I know I’m honest with her and I will always love her. Every body who falls in love just be care ful out there, I don’t know what to say or what to do just feel down most of the time. Now I know what love is I thought it’s easy it’s really tough when you are in a relationship. :(

— rajan    Thursday October 4, 2007    #

This whole page was such an unbelievable read for me. Almost every person made one observation that just hit me, because you’ve expressed them perfectly. My fiance and I have been together 5 years and engaged for 2. She is the sweetest person in the world until she gets depressed. She lives with her parents, who try to control everything she does, even what she wears (she’s 23). They are hateful human beings and have even kicked her out once. She moved back in after reconciling, but now the #@&#$ are messing with her poor head again. She hates her job because it’s so far from home, and she keeps telling me that she’s giving up and wants to die so bad. She has been gaining weight, getting acne, (again) and keeps saying how much she wishes she could just die. She hasn’t attempted suicide, and doesn’t seem like she really would, but the way she talks about it it’s hard not to believe her. When she’s “out” of her depression mode, she even tells me how she doesn’t mean what she says. She apologizes and is so clear-minded you’d never know how she felt yesterday. She feels trapped in her situation, and her insurance from her job stinks so she can’t afford therapy or medication. She’s broken up with me various times over the years and feels guilty about that too. She doesn’t do anything when she’s at home either. She just dwells on the negative and it’s impossible to change the conversation. Honestly, when she’s telling me how she wishes and prays that she won’t wake up the next day, it feels like torture. I tell her that we can look for an apartment, go to the gym, and go out and ahve fun, but she just refuses to do ANYTHING. She sits at my house and watches TV when she comes over. I could go on, but many of you have the same observations on the disease as I do. I love the girl with everything I have, probably to my detriment, but I can’t give up on her.

— JG    Tuesday October 9, 2007    #

i really love my girlfriend but she does’t love me? so what should I do?

— ron    Sunday October 21, 2007    #

guys… i am a girl so i would tell you about one problem i had i will never forget…
once i had a boyfriend.. we were together for about a year..but after that
i started to feel depressed, and anything i did wasn’t helpfull.
i realised that i didnt love him so much... i thought i do and i didnt want to be with him anymore, but i was VERRY SORRY about all that, actually even i ment i would love him and be with him forever.
anything he would do, or even me myself was doing, couldn’t help!!!
so at the end... i had to tell him and end all up, because it would drive me crazy.
so maybe it is smart for you to check up if your girlfriends... don’t have similar problem. If it’s the same one... i was talking about YOU CANT HELP and NONE can help, and you need to just “walk away” :(
Try leave her alone, for some time, if she is feeling better then you dont need to be together anymore, but again you should be careful if that person is “suicidable” :/

— a girl    Sunday November 4, 2007    #

I’m in a difficult relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and have been living together for 4 months. She has a lot of family issues (father mostly) and gets depressed all the time. Her moods can change so quickly it’s unbelievable sometimes. She will literally go from being happy to being so depressed she doesn’t even want to talk in just minutes, for seemingly no reason at all. She sometimes goes for weeks being so depressed that I feel like I’m doing nothing but consoling her. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. It’s her job, it’s her mother, it’s her father, she’s afraid that I’m going to get bored of her, she’s afraid that I won’t find her attractive anymore, etc. She gets so depressed at weddings she won’t even talk. My sister got married a few months ago, and she looks so pissed off in every photo. I was so embarrassed. She was too, which triggered another depression, which meant that I had to assure her my family didn’t notice. I never actually asked them, and my family will always be nice to her. This I know. But, it gets really tiresome. I am an optimist and sometimes I really don’t know what to do, cause she starts to get me down too. I used to battle with depression too, and I learned to be positive, because life is short, and I think it’s a waste to go through life like that. I just hope I’m not putting myself in a situation that I will want to be out of later if she doesn’t even try to make it better.

— Woodsy Allen    Wednesday November 21, 2007    #

I’m going to apologize in advance for how long this is going to be. This message board struck something in me, and I want you guys to know that you’re not alone..

Five years seems to be the longest time for somebody in a relationship like this. When I met my girlfriend she was young and a little messed up. She wanted to sleep with other guys (losers who wanted just one thing), she was a heavy smoker, did drugs, and was obsessed about her previous relationship where this guy would push her around and generally be an a**hole. She didnt get on with her parents – her mum had some depression issues of her own which almost broke up her family, but her dad stuck it out.. I think my girlfriend thought that there wasn’t much time for her in that family because of those issues, and her mum was always a bit volatile with her..

When I first met her, she was gorgeous – and in fairness, that’s probably what first grabbed me.. She seemed sweet and confident in the beginning and seemed to have a healthy sex drive.

The first 2 years was a long distance relationship.. We would ring each other EVERY SINGLE day. for anything between 1-2 hours, to 7 hours on the phone! (obviously not all in one go, but all in one day). She would tell me about her problems, about her childhood.. Everything .. I felt like a hero in the beginning. Like I found this gorgeous damsel in distress, and I was her knight in shining armor fixing all of her problems and making her happy .. She told me that a few times.. She would come down to visit after a while (every 2 weeks for a weekend). It seemed she was getting better.. She stopped smoking, stopped drugs, our sex life was actually great at that time .. But then suddenly she started to become depressed.. Always upset, always complaining about everything. I always did the best I could to listen to her and help her with her problems .. I remember from when I was on the phone, something she did a lot.. Was talk for hours and hours AT me .. and when she was done, I would bring up a conversation about something that happened to me, and she would tell me that she was too tired and needed to go to bed .. The first 2 years .. I always remember feeling used when she did that – and it was practically all the time!

Anyway.. So after the first 2 years I found a way for us to be together .. I got her to move down to the city where I live (she’s a country girl), and she came to live with my family.. Everyone got on really well, and my mum and dad grew very fond of her and treated her like their own daughter. She even befriended my brother.. There were no problems in the family. She started college in the city, and then the panic attacks started. she couldnt be on a bus for more than 10 minutes before she’d freak out and have to ring me.. She’d get off the bus and wait by the side of the road for me to come and get her.. Other times, I’d have to take her to college myself.. Eventually, she dropped out of college because of pressure from the teachers to attend, and she went for counciling. From there (the third year), she would just stay at home and cry.. The counciling didn’t really do anything, and she ended taking medication for depression.. I remember being in the doctor’s room, and while she was telling the doctor about her LONG list of problems and how I’m always there to look after her and rely on .. This doctor looks at me and asks me … “This must be very hard on you .. How are you coping?” I was stunned! For 3 years I’d been conditioned to not even feel anything for myself.. I was so wrapped up in her I didn’t notice that I had put on 2 stones in weight, and looked and felt tired – every second of every day.. I simply replied .. “I’m fine..”.

Out of all the things that shocked me most, it was that stupid thing the doctor asked me.. If I was ok.. That’s what made me realized that this relationship wasn’t normal.. And what I was doing was actually like .. “WOAH!”. I know a million guys who’d never put up with what I did. But I loved her so much I did everything I could. While she was at home, she did a home course on childcare .. Our sex life at that point became strange.. She would try to seduce me a lot .. Looking back on it, I think it was to make her feel better .. As if she felt loved if she did it..

On year 4, she managed to get a job at a nursery. I Was honestly shocked .. I thought she’d never be able to work. And even though I always encouraged her that things would be fine, and she’d get over things, deep inside I was preparing myself to being the sole provider from that day forward. I was really proud of her getting that job, it was only 5minutes walking distance so she could cope with the travel without panicking.

Year 5.. Here we are.. We’re engaged now.. She has become a lot more independant (in terms of her having her own friends and a job). But she is still very needy .. That would be fine except now she doesn’t want to make love to me anymore.. I think when she does, it’s kind of out of routine .. When I ask her about it she kind of just says .. “I don’t really like it …” or other strange undescriptive responses. So now it’s me who’s starting to feel unloved and unwanted! I wouldn’t go as far to say that I am depressed or anything .. But right now it feels like I know she loves me.. But I simply feel unloved and alone. Whenever I try to talk to her, she find’s it hard to talk to me about problems relating to me. And tells me “I don’t know how to help you..” So I’ve learnt to not talk to her about anything that’s bothering me unless I absolutely need to.

I know by reading my message It looks like I’m sounding like an insensitive b*stard.. But before this started I thought I was the most patient guy I knew. I could deal with anything.. The problem is I don’t know where this is going anymore.. When I ask myself if I love her… My brain just stops for a few seconds… My mind replays back the last 5 years and I just feel sad.. I don’t want to lose her, I havn’t found another girl that I like or anything..

So many times I’ve looked at a random girl I know, and picture my life with them. It doesn’t even need to be a girl that I like! I just find myself always comparing, always asking myself what if I didn’t start this relationship… Where would I be.. But at the end of every thought like that, I always can’t bare the thought of leaving her.. And like someone else on this messageboard said earlier.. I’m not a quiter.. I feel like im obligated to stay, and it’s my responsibility.. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but I’ve become used to not being equal in this relationship.. I’ve grown to understand that there we are 2 people as a couple.. But I’m actually very much on my own.

-M.

— -M    Friday November 23, 2007    #

Reading this page has really made me feel alot better… as many of you have said its good to know that im not alone… this stuff really happens…

My girlfriend and i have been together for six months… when we first met she had not dated in three years after her son was born… what i get from what she tells me is it was a bad relationship that revovled mainly around drugs… needles to say the father is not in her sons life… I meet her through a mutual friend and at the time i worked so hard just to get a date with her it was like she had written off all men, and at the time i saw her as a challange, i was not going to give up… not sure at the time what i saw we were completly opposite people but when we were together we it was incredible… many of her friends would tell me how much better she was getting… im not a person to just sit around i like to get out there live life and at first i thought that was wearing off on her… and i fell for her i care so much about her and her son for that matter…but getting to know her i soon realized that she is going thru severe depression, and as i got to know more and more i realized her son was deeply affected by her depression.. sometimes she would want to sleep a day away when things didnt go to smooth and i would comfort her and tell her that i was there for her i would help her through this… her son craves attention his behavior is out of control, and i know that this is no fault of his own… i also have a son a couple years older than hers… myson is not an angel but he has respect and is well behaved… anyway i told her i was there for her one hundred percent and that its not to late to change him and be happy… things are progressively getting worse, somedays she wont get out of bed… she fights with her parents because the kid is just runnin around when she is depressed and they have to pick up her slack… the only thing we fight about is her son… i try to give parenting tips and that just makes things worse… i really beleive she is just over welmed and does not know what to do…i dont think that she would hurt herself but sometimes she really scares me.. she takes pills to sleep and some times she will take other pills she knows will make her sick but takes them any way…she says things i cant belive a educated person would say… its becoming harder and harder to understand. it feels at times like she doesnt want to be better or helped. its draining to me i dont know what else to do… i have a buisness to run and a son of my own to raise… i just want to give up at times but i feel like not only would i be giving up on her i would be giving up on her son… im almost at the end ive tried to get her to seek profesional help but she refuses and just gets mad at me… i dont know what else to do… any suggestions?????
— John    Tuesday January 1, 2008    #

sex fixes everything. ;)

— pokemon/master    Saturday January 5, 2008    #

MY GIRL AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5 YEARS. RECENTLY SHE PUT ME AND MY KIDS OUT,ON XMAS EVE. I LOVE AND MISS MY GIRL AND OUR SIX MONTH OLD SON. PLEASE HELP ME KEEP MY FAMILY.

— JIM    Sunday January 6, 2008    #

am in difficult relationship. my gf and i been together almost 8 months,while we were dating she were still communication with her bf,after 2 months they broke up , he dumped her, she didn't want to talk about it but i knew that , during our relation she were always telling me we have to stop seeing each other because she has bf , but after they broke up she kept telling me we are not bf and gf but we were still hanging out together , i expected it because i like her and i star falling in love with her , after 4 months she blow it and she said we are bf and gf , and she said that she loves me but i have doubt about it because she never told her friends that she loves me , the only things she can said about me am nice am a sweet guy and am treating her good no more , one day i discovered that she was telling her best friend that she like me only as a friend but she cant see her self with me for long time, feel like she`s using me,because when we go out i payed the bill and i always buying her a stuff , she went for vacation i was calling her almost every day she called once , after she came back she changed with me. she don't even txting me in the morning after i leave her house , even she became more aggressive person , i want to tell her dat i feel she dont love me ,i want a way , even i asked her if she need space feel am unwanted and unloved by her , my mind telling to break up with her but my heart controlling me , i need help pls because am so sad person .

— kimo33    Wednesday January 16, 2008    #

The only thing I can say to you Kimo is that if you dont think she is treating you well, you need to talk to her about it. Its not OK for her to take your attention for granted.

Tell her how you feel, and let her know that she is very important to you, and ask her if she feels the same way. If she doesnt, then you know in your heart that you have to end it. There are women out there who will treat you well. I promise.

— jim    Thursday February 14, 2008    #

I am depressed. I am scared. My boyfriend is ready to leave, I can tell that it is taxing on him. One minute I ask him to go, “I need time to heal”,the next I am crying on the floor begging him to stay. I haven’t slept for months. I feel like I’m going insane. Thinking of losing him throws me into an insecure panic, and then I push him further by clinging. I think the worst of him. I am convinced he must be cheating, and then I justify it by telling myself “well can you blame him, look at how I am acting”. I get angry and irritable and withdrawn with him and all I can feel is a sharp ache in my heart saying “please don’t go”. All I want is for someone to hold me. Listen to me, truly listen. If I could talk about this or just my feelings without being censored, or outdone, or the topic being changed, maybe I could feel like I understand and am being understood. Some silence, peace, quietness, contentment, please…....
I promise you I can love. Instead I feel alone. He feels alone. My heart is broken.

— Heather    Monday February 25, 2008    #

Coming from a home broken by divorce and relocation, I have had my share of depression. Once emotionally destroyed by a change in lifestyle and having been forced to choose between parents, I am guilty of projecting my negative self-image on my previous girlfriend. Over the years I have been blessed to learn the information that I needed to climb out of the hole that I had sunk into. In addition to being depressed and “helpless”, I am also experienced with playing the role of the support system based on my current relationship involving a young woman who shows some moderate signs of low self-esteem and depression. I’ve read your heartfelt posts and must say that I can relate to the roles on both sides of your situations: the depressed and the “caretaker”.

I must drive home a point that the depressed are well aware that their behavior is not normal, and know that it is negatively affecting their life in many ways. The problem is that they do not know how to get out of their condition on their own. When I suffered from depression I felt that everything that I had done or known is what led me into depression in the first place. I no longer trusted my own coping methods and began to place the blame on the people closest to me. My loved ones became prime targets for the release of my negative energy, because they were the most reliable and their attention temporarily lifted my insecurities.

Because the depressed knows that their loved one is unlikely to leave them, and their vehicle of release will always be around, they cling to this crutch whenever their insecurities return. This is why many people like yourselves who have been involved in a relationship with a severely depressed person report that the depressed individual would constantly ask their loved one for help, even when it is clear that there are no answers there. I was fortunate enough to realize that I had created a false sense of security in my loved one and took a stress management course at my community college that provided with some helpful strategies. I heavily attribute these strategies to my success in overcoming depression.

A strategy that allowed me to help myself was to write a list of things that made me feel good about myself and to remind myself that I was worth the effort. As the “caretaker”, try to wean your loved one of the support system created by your emotional attention and help instill in them a sense of self worth. Don’t stop caring for them, but remind them that you cannot ALWAYS be there when things are rough. Your goal is to help the depressed individual realize that they are capable of dealing with their own emotions. Encouraging them that they are pretty, smart, etc. is often not enough, because they probably don’t feel that way about themselves to begin with and won’t believe your compliments. If you really want to help them (besides helping them to find therapy) I would advise you to help them create lists of their qualities to keep at hand. Encourage them to become active and to start projects that they are capable of completing and work their way up toward bigger goals. A sense of accomplishment and realizing that they are capable of making a difference in something will raise their spirits immensely.

I try to practice positive attribute lists with my girlfriend and she often shrugs it off as pointless and stupid, although I think that is mainly because she has not yet realized her depressed state. If your partner has come to grips with their condition and are willing to try new things, I would recommend first repairing their self-image before trying to tackle the huge job of reducing their depression. There are many books available that provide strategies and information on improving your self-esteem. All in all, I have had great results in improving my own condition and the condition of my girlfriend through effective stress management, increasing my self-esteem, and keeping a healthy diet and exercise. Some cases of depression are much more serious than what I have mentioned here and should be given professional attention. Regardless of how you plan to deal with your own depression or that of your loved ones- remember – it’s not your responsibility, nor your FAULT that you or your loved one is depressed; but you CAN help it.

Sorry for the lengthy post, but I pray that I have helped someone in even the smallest way. xoxo.

— Brad    Wednesday February 27, 2008    #

This is really helpful to me. I have a GF im seeing for about a year now. Of course the first 5 months were wonderful and then things gotten worse because of her depression and anxity. Now she wants me to leave her a lone. she wants to have a break form this relation. she is going to bars by herself and getting drunk. I feel hopless and helpless. I feel like many of you feel.

— med    Wednesday March 26, 2008    #

My behaviour might fit to depressive one, it is weird and really difficult to overcome, my boyfriend does not seem really to understand … he´s got a new job, is aim-oriented and if there is a problem, it is my problem and “try to be ok” was what he told me yesterday before he left to his place. He was too tired, wanted sleep. I could not sleep all night. Well, I would wish he would be willing to help me but if not I have to go through alone. I do not want to spend all my life in tears. PS: You do not own her!

— keta    Saturday June 14, 2008    #

i don’t know what to do. the love of my life thinks i’m cheating on her. i had a one night stand shortly before i met her. 11 months later , out of the blue the one night stand texts me AND her on xmas day saying that i’ve been screwing her. it’s not true. i have NEVER been unfaithful to her. i would never dream of it, and never have. she’s so hurt, and feels betrayed. i can’t blame her-who can? she’s angry with me and says she hates me. says she has to “get even” ie:another guy. one minute she says we can put it all behind us if i just tell her the truth. the truth is she’s the only one. i’m super angry, and shellshocked that this mystery witch has done this to to my love. not only does my love feel betrayed by me, but now that this woman has SOMEHOW tracked down her number, she has threatened my love’s personal zone. not only is she dealing with feelings of betrayal, but she has been dragged unfairly into this vindictive persons games.
her sense of security is violated, i’m completely innocent of this deceit, and i’ve lost my only love to this out of the blue outrage.
will she ever believe in me?

— c    Friday December 26, 2008    #

My girlfriend just got this great job and im still in school and we plan on moving in together in a few months when i graduate. As soon as she started this job depression and awful anxiety has started she has been off work for almost a month and has been seeking help. There really hasn’t been any progress she still cries just about everyday and doesn’t think she can continue her job. Her mom or dad always has to go stay with her. I feel like i’m with a baby and this is not what i signed up for. I am afraind to commit to her and her give up on doing anything and have me support her for the rest of her life. I feel guilt all the time and couldn’t see myself with anyone else but it drives me crazy… i can juggle ten things but she can’t do a single thing. I feel like she needs to step up and accept responsibility

— Roger    Sunday October 18, 2009    #

Dump her! I’m serious. Women like this have problems and you don’t want to deal with this for your entire life do you? You can do better. Most men will hold on to their girlfriend thinking they can help her heal, but if she can’t find healing on her own its not going to get any better. Leave

— Lets Be Real    Sunday July 25, 2010    #

The Saddest Thing I Own is a 2005 commission of New Radio and Performing Arts, Inc., (aka Ether-Ore) for its Turbulence web site. It is supported by the Jerome Foundation in celebration of the Jerome Hill Centennial and in recognition of the valuable contributions of artists to society.

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